"It all began 75 million years ago. Back then, there was a galactic federation of planets which was ruled over by the evil Lord Xenu. Xenu thought his galaxy was overpopulated, and so he rounded up countless aliens from all different planets, and then had those aliens frozen. The frozen alien bodies were loaded onto Xenu's galactic cruisers, which looked like DC8-'s, except with rocket engines. The cruisers then took the frozen alien bodies to our planet, to Earth, and dumped them into the volcanoes of Hawaii. The aliens were no longer frozen, they were dead. The souls of those aliens, however, lived on, and all floated up towards the sky. But the evil Lord Xenu had prepared for this. Xenu didn't want their souls to return! And so he built giant soul-catchers in the sky! The souls were taken to a huge soul brain-washing facility, which Xenu had also built on Earth. There the souls were forced to watch days of brainwashing material which tricked them into believing a false reality. Xenu then released the alien souls, which roamed the earth aimlessly in a fog of confusion. At the dawn of man, the souls finally found bodies which they can grab onto. They attached themselves to all manking, which still to this day causes all our fears, our confusions, and our problems."
- South Park Episode "Trapped in the Closet", 2005
Well hello there, Scientology... you've been the proverbial elephant in the room for me for a couple weeks now. I've probably re-written this post 5 times now. And because it's all done on the computer, I don't even have the cool "crumpled-up pile of discarded ideas around the waste-basket" thing going on.
It dawned on me today that that's because it's too easy to make fun of Scientology.
I mean... really easy.
Scientology is so crazy that even Mormons are laughing at it.
Scientology is written by a science-fiction writer. It would be akin to George Lucas making up a religion - and people believing it.
Scientology was founded in 1952. 1952... I mean, come on people... really?
Scientology is so crazy that Karla Homolka thinks it's crazy.
Scientology is so crazy, it makes that time your ex stabbed you in the eye with her shoe heel seem like that time your grandmother made pie.
Scientology is so crazy, Rob Ford denies its existence.
Scientology is so fake, it makes other religions seem more plausible by comparison.
Scientology is so stupid, they might sue me for this post.
Scientology is so easy to make fun of, a 10 year old with logic could do it.
Hey wait...
That being said, Scientology is so smart, that its founder, L Ron Hubbard, was worth an estimated $600 million dollars at the time of his death. Scientology has this thing called "auditing", where members pay lots of money to "improve their Thetan levels", which are read using "E-Meters", built by the Scientologists themselves.
Scientology is so smart that it has attracted high profile members such as Tom Cruise, John Travolta, and the late Isaac Hayes. Yeah - Chef was a Scientologist. I know, right?
I'd almost be afraid to debate religion with a Scientologist - I'm not sure if that level of stupidity is a communicable disease...
At the end of the day, though, how sane is Christianity? I mean, Joseph was just the world's biggest sucker...
"Oh, it's a virgin birth! The Lord, and not Tim from across the street, has given me this child!" said Mary. "Deeeeeer okay I beeleeve you Mawy" replied Joseph - that's the original version of that story, you heard it hear first...
Ok, yeah, it is... you win.
All religions are crazy, but Scientology manages to be just a little bit crazier than all the rest.
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